Fifty and One Things That Make Me Happy

Hello!
So, a bit of a back story to this particular post. 
A while back, maybe about, oh I don't know, a year ago, give or take a month or two, some stuff had happened, and I don't particularly remember what inspired me, but I decided to start a list of stuff that seemed insignificant, and maybe a bit silly or childish, but made me happy, for at least that moment. Then, recently, I stumbled upon that list again, and I decided to start adding to it again.
In the end, I had fifty-one tiny things that can happen any given day, but can still help spark up an otherwise dim day in my life, and here they are!
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Fifty and One Things That Make Me Happy:

1.                      Saving all the old hotel cards as a kid and pretending they were credit cards. 

2.                      Winning a jack pot on the spinning wheel of random luck

3.                      Finding money in random places

4.                      Realizing your blanket spells really good

5.                      Actually fitting everything into your bag when you’re packing

6.                      Finding the lost rubber thingies that always fall off of your ear buds

7.                      Winning little coupons on those Monopoly stickers McDonald's gives out.

8.                      Getting scented stickers in grocery stores

9.                      Getting children discounts at restaurants and movies.

10.                  Getting treated like royalty at shops because they see your money.

11.                  Watching old children cartoons on DVDs

12.                  Finding long lost pens that still have ink

13.                  Finally hitting that mosquito that’s been buzzing around your head for ages

14.                  Having a warm shower after a long day

15.                  Being out in a shower but staying dry

16.                  Catching a falling leaf

17.                  Seeing your breath on a cold morning

18.                  Pretending straws were like cigarettes (you know you looked stupid, but you thought you were cool)

19.                  Typing a page of stuff and not having spell check stop you

20.                  Waking up without bed head

21.                  Taste of fresh water after exercising

22.                  Expecting strawberries to be really sour, but they turn out to be super sweet

23.                  Free samples in front of ice cream stores

24.                  Getting two items when you paid for one at the vending machine

25.                  Finding a new layer of instrumentals to your favorite song

26.                  Having the moonlight shine in through your window onto your bed

27.                  Having a fresh breeze blow in through your open window on a sunny morning

28.                  Seeing a rainbow

29.                  Seeing a double rainbow

30.                  Finding the almost end of the rainbow

31.                  Signing a really cool signature by accident

32.                  That feeling of immense power when you have the one seat in class where you can see whose using their phones

33.                  Not getting caught eating in class

34.                  Getting a really awesome thing for a really cheap price

35.                  Getting your catchphrase on a t-shirt

36.                  Getting a really nice compliment from a fortune cookie

37.                  Smiling at a stranger and they smile back

38.                  Getting thanked for helping a random person out

39.                  Getting a postcard or a letter in the mail

40.                  Having a bright pink and purple sunset that you can see right out your window

41.                  Having a clean breeze blow in through your window while you’re struggling through homework

42.                  Guessing a random answer on a test and getting it right

43.                  Using a really nice smelling soap at a fancy restaurant

44.                  Finding a really awesome song that really expresses exactly how you feel

45.                  Finishing a mile (and feeling that adrenaline still rushing through your body)

46.                  Going to bed after a long day

47.                  The kind of weather that’s warm and sunny, but not sweltering hot

48.                  Talking to someone who you haven’t heard from in ages, and immediately hitting it off like you’ve never been apart

49.                  Hitting that one note perfectly while singing a song

50.                  Running your fingers through cool, silky, recently air-dried hair

51.                  Waking up and facing the world feeling confident about being you today.

Emotionless

Sometimes the way he doesn’t feel or react to things scares him.

For instance, that time when his mother was in a car crash. It had been in the sixth grade, a cloudy day. It had been raining in the morning, he remembers. He had been sitting in front of his classroom with a friend when his neighbor came and told him the news. It had been a very brief affair. The neighbor had just taken him home and told him there had been a car crash, and then he saw his parents, both fine, and that had been it. He, of course, had expressed worry for his mother, because even at that age he knew, even if it had been sort of subconsciously, that that was what was right to do. But thinking back on it three years later, he can’t help but notice how he doesn’t remember actually feeling anything. Maybe it was just that his memory has faded, but he just remembers words, not emotions, and that is a bit unsettling, but he’s willing to push it to the back of his mind.

Then there was that crush. Or was it ever really a crush? It had gone on for so long, about a year or two, and in the middle, he wasn’t even sure what he felt anymore. It was just a term at that point, no real aching or fluttering. None of that. When the two of them had actually gone to the dance together, he remembers being happy, and for a while after that, but it after the first 7 or 8 months of the “crush”, he can’t recall all the clichés like butterflies in his stomach. It was just a person, who he probably liked, he thought about, and that was that. But he’s willing to push this instance to the back of his mind too.

And then came the time when his first relationship had started dwindling. He knew, he noticed, with as much objectivity as possible, that he was probably at least a tiny, little bit depressed, and the lack of closure had confused him, he knew that too, and he remembers the pain he would sometimes suddenly feel on random days, but he still never truly cried over it. He knew he became more morbid than usual for a while, and his best friend had told him so. But actually expressing the so-called heartbreak? That had been hard. He can’t even remember if he ever went beyond texting a friend or two saying his chest really hurt. Did he ever really cry over that? He can’t remember. When the final closure had come along, he found that he was basically numb. He honestly didn’t feel anything but a quiet sort of “okay”, for lack of description, during the entire final talk. And he never really hate anyone over what happened, he still doesn’t. He tries not to think about everything that went on during that time though, so he pushes this to the back of his mind as well as he can too.

When his cousin was sent flying by a car that was when he really got scared. He knows it’s selfish; to be thinking about him while the situation should have called for his worry over his cousin is pretty heartless. But he can’t help it. The phone call, the ride to the hospital, seeing his parents worrying and panicking over the situation, seeing the police officer, and seeing his cousin lying on a hospital bed, the entire time he hadn’t truly felt anything close to panic, or worry, or anxiety, or anything that everyone else seemed to be feeling, and everything he wasn’t. Of course, everything turned out alright, seeing as his cousin’s bike had taken most of the damage, and the rider in question didn’t have any significant injuries, just a scratched leg and arm, and a few bruises. So he supposes that was all alright in the end. But nonetheless, how calm he was during the entire half of a day during that whole fiasco made him begin to question if he really was a heartless bastard.

Those weren’t the only instances, of course. He never cried during chick flicks, even when his best friend had even started crying, but that was a minor problem. He didn’t find tragic stories truly tragic. Heck, he remembers in his high school English class, he had read four depressing books in which the main characters died, and he hadn’t batted an eye. He didn’t really get angry when his older sister’s boyfriend dumped her. Of course, he knew how to feel some remorse, such as when his favorite character in a movie was hopelessly killed off, but he just didn’t seem to shed any tears over things where most normal functioning people seemed to. These were emotions that were what people said made humans humanistic, and he didn’t have them. It freaked him out.

He supposes it helps him be more rational when others tell him about grief filled stories. But, unfortunately, he still isn’t really rational anyways, when it comes to his own actions, since his other terrible traits usually interfere and he ends up being a total foolish idiot. Thus, in the end, it turns out it still equals a loss on his side, but he’ll just have to live with this fact, this fact about his lack of human emotions, because he just can’t change it at this point, so he’ll just have to ignore this and push it to the back of his mind as well.

Ill (A very short short)

She feels sick, but she knows she isn’t sick all the same. 

It’s sort of a burning, raw sensation in the back of her throat, and a reeling, tossing, turning wheel that won’t settle in her stomach, especially when she straightens her back. But these feelings of just being sick come and go, so she can’t exactly really pinpoint whether it’s real or not.

 

It’s like a sickness that her brain made up just for fun. 

Actually, there isn’t a real way to describe this, this weird, strange, fake (?), feeling. It may rise when she takes a breath in, and suddenly she gets hit by a wave of vertigo, and she really wants to do something to feel better, such as retching or taking pain killers, but she’s almost fully sure those won’t work, because, after all, this is a sickness of the mind and not the body.

She thinks.

When she isn’t thinking about it, it’s almost like it goes away, but she can’t know for sure, because how does she know whether or not it’s there if she isn’t thinking about it? 

Should she lie down and try to sleep? Ah, but she just woke up a few hours ago from falling asleep already. What to do, what to do. This thing has become such a dilemma.

Maybe it’s a sign that something’s wrong and she should start being more mentally and physically healthy, but this has become her lifestyle, and she just can’t bring herself to change it, no matter how self-destructive it might just be. In her opinion, it’s not though, maybe a bit too lazy but it’s enjoyable and fine and working just the way it is anyways.

Oh well, maybe she’ll just sleep and hope everything will be gone by tomorrow, like she does for everything else.

After all, that’s what she is best at.